Searching For Her Voice

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I’ve been following someone on twitter for a while now. I can’t even tell you how I found her – don’t know if twitter or her blog came first.
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But she reminded me of another girl (young lady – woman – take your pick – they are all girls to me) that was also searching for her voice.

Many years ago a student was having problems finding her style or as she called it, her groove. She showed so many emotions but they all seemed fake.

She had an absolute lack of confidence but she hid it so well it took me two semesters to figure it out.

She was outspoken, could converse with anyone about anything and was always laughing. Shy, quiet were not words used to describe her.

But her eyes didn’t laugh. They were not dull just cool but not exactly cold – like I said it took me two semesters to figure it out.

She was most popular among the male students looking for whatever during breaks. Besides her looks and the fact that she could smoke two cigarettes in the time I smoked one, she was ‘fun’ to be around. But any invites for a date or an after class drink were quickly declined.

She was the only student that stayed late on more then one night of the week to use the school’s computers – most students did their work at home or work.

I eventually gave her permanent permission to use the lab any time she wanted. Some weeks her name would be the only one listed on the sign-in sheet – many times after midnight into the early morning hours. I once heard her males students comment about the lack of a sex life. I laughed with them – it was funny.

I had a rule about office hours and phone calls. Come visit or call and discuss just about anything you wanted or didn’t understand.

But I would not give out answers. They were at school to learn and if they discovered the answers themselves, future answers would come much faster and they would feel so good about doing it themselves.

She never came or called. She was one of the best students I have ever taught but something was wrong and I could not put my finger on it.

One evening after a particular stressful evening of ‘fixing’ an upgrade to the network servers I wandered through the lab on my way out of school to make sure everything was still working.

She was at her usual workstation in the back of the lab but she was crying. When she saw me she quickly recovered but I could tell she was very upset.

I plopped on the desk next to her and asked if she needed the same thing I did. She had a big question mark on her face and I told her I had a problem too and I had a quick way to solve it.

She asked how and I told her to pack her things and follow me. I walked out to the parking lot and she asked where we were going. I responded telling her to wait and see.

She followed me to the place where I meditated all of my problems.

When we got out of our cars I told her that maybe she should call her husband to let her know some weird teacher was going to buy her a drink. She laughed and mumbled something and in we went.

In we went to what I called my recreation room or spiritual room or the rubber room. Actually it was where I maintained my sanity.

The bartender, an old friend from my early twenties knew if I brought someone into my sanctuary, they must be special and he treated them accordingly.

We took my usual table and after we both lit a cigarette she asked how this helped me solve my problems. I told her it was a secret and I had not decided if I was going to share it with her.

She laughed and we talked about many different things and she finally seemed to relax. Everyone that came into the bar said hello to me and goodbye when they left.

She asked if I was a regular and I told her a permanent fixture. As the second round arrived I told her I knew of only one way to solve her problem. She asked how and I told her to start talking.

She looked at me like I was crazy. I asked if her emotions were all fucked up and she nodded. I asked if she had any idea what she was going to do and she shook her head. I told her to start talking.

She told me it was personal and I agreed but also pointed out that emotional problems were always personal.

If the problem was logical emotions were not involved – they were not part of the problem. Logic was black and white – emotions were colorful and mixed up.

About this time a young man walked up and set down. He said Hi to her then gave me a high five saying my suggestion had worked perfectly. He was three sheets to the wind but still lucid.

He quoted something his girlfriend had said and wondered what I thought. I told him and he patted my shoulder and said, “Thanks Ole Man” and walked back to the bar.

She asked about the ole man title but a short skinny girl walked into the bar, saw me and dropped into the chair beside her and said because he looks like an old man when he is drunk and trying to walk. I protested but was ignored.

She held out her hand and my student shook it and pleasantries exchanged but no names offered.

The newcomer pointed at me and said I was also called ‘the ole man’ because I was wise and the best couples counselor in the world – she and her boyfriend had not had a fight for almost six months. I was a genius. I might have blushed a little.

My student raised her eyebrows but skinny kept talking. She mentioned that she had become displeased with her boyfriend and had said so and so. That so and so was exactly what the young guy had asked me to explain.

I told her what to do and what to expect. She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and skipped away to the young man at the bar.

My student laughed and told me I was not being fair. I was playing both ends against the middle. I told her I always play to win.

She laughed and started talking. Two hours later she started to apologize and I told her to keep talking. She asked if I had any questions and I said it was not my turn yet.

The bartender’s girlfriend came in and together they started to shutdown the bar. My student said it looked like we would have to continue this later. I told her to keep talking, we had more time before I got kicked out.

After all the drunks were outside looking in and most of the lights turned off the bartender told us it was self-serve time and to have a good night.

She looked perplexed and I asked if she had a curfew or someplace she had to be – she shook her head and I told her I had a key – as long as we wiped off our table when we left we were fine.

Then she told me that she and her husband had separated two years earlier and she was living with her parents. She worked the midnight shift at a truck stop the next city down the Interstate on weekends to pay her expenses.

I told her to keep talking.

I could hear the birds starting to sing and knew daylight would soon arrive when she finally quieted.

We had switched to coffee a couple of hours previously but she remained relaxed. She asked again if I had any questions. I told her one.

She waited and after a pause and most of my last smoke I asked if she had ever talked to anyone else about her emotions. She shook her head. I told her problem was solved and she looked surprised then shocked and then relieved.

I told her to talk. She described how she felt and could not believe how relaxed she felt. A great burden had been lifted and then she covered her mouth and called herself a dipshit.

I laughed and wondered if she knew of any place could get a good breakfast. After we shut off the coffee pot (she cleaned it and the table) she told me to follow her.

When we got to the truck stop I asked if I could invite people to join us. Absolutely she said so I called my house and told the roommates that breakfast was on me and told them where.

About five minutes later my roommates joined us and introductions were made. The student commented on how fast they got there but none of us replied.

The roommates were in their scrubs and told the student that they very seldom let me eat out. They worked the cardio floor and would order me an appropriate breakfast.

The student was surprised when they ordered scrambled eggs, sausage links, home fries, three biscuits with gravy and a side order of French toast. They also ordered juice and decaf coffee.

The waitress asked one of the roomies what she wanted and both roomies said they would share mine.

I never said another word except goodbye. One of the roomies asked if I had treated her right – was she satisfied?

The student had a BIG question mark on her face when the same roommate commented that there was only one thing a man and woman did after leaving a bar and not checking in until five AM at breakfast.

The student had fear in her eyes when the other roommate apologized for her friend’s sick humor and we all had a good laugh.

At the end of breakfast the student had two new friends and I wanted the thirds my roommates had eaten - the food was fantastic. My roommates invited her for drinks and dancing the next night.

When the student asked how to get to our home we all pointed across the road to a wooded area. She laughed and was surprised she had never seen us here at the restaurant.

A roommate said they had better things to do in the mornings than getting out of bed plus everything we had just eaten was not usually on the menu.

The student is still a close family friend. She and her husband tried it again but he refused to talk to me so I could not help with counseling.

The student graduated with honors and a twinkle in her eye. The cool look disappeared the night we talked. She never talked to me about her problems again. But her and the roommates talk as least three times a day.

She and her new now old husband and four grown kids visited us to celebrate her sixtieth birthday. I was very surprised to learn she was older then me.

And her confidence problem – it took several more years but she finally found her ‘groove’ or voice and is the President of the IT department of a large health network.

Even today she second guesses herself but she finds it much easier to deal with it now. My only complaint – she won’t shut up when she visits.

Be careful what you wish for.